Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
the battle rages on
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable