No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.