Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.