Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Oh my God.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Every work meeting this week
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
these two trucks have the same bed length
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY