Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper