soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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gm
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.