a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
goldfish mafia
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.