It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.