Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
A dad and his duck
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂