My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
what if we kissed on the garfield couch