Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds