Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
You Might Also Like
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us