Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
It’s actually Dr. whatever
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?