I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”