I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters