No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”