Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
happy friday
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.