“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Best spoiler warning ever
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha