Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.