A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Generation gap…
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.