[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
You Might Also Like
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
#NeverForget
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”