Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”