[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
an airline just for babies.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood