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Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Note to self: always read the final line
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow