Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Proctology is located in A55
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?