“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
i choose….tongue
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.