My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
How wrong was this guy?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
#Caturday
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”