Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
me hitting on a model
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.