*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Bike is short for Bichael.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE