ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
You Might Also Like
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
*serious situation*
My brain:
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”