I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
when revenge coincides with naptime
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Tough love is true love
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?