Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Someone just threatened to call me later
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Good morning, Twitter x
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’m aging like a fine banana
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!