ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job