5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven