Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.