Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
You Might Also Like
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
first you must answer his riddles
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.