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It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”