me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?