I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.