I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.