Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
i’m sure it’s fine
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
This is why I hate group projects
m’lady
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.