I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
You Might Also Like
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Very good news from my accountant
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.