I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work