I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.