I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”