Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.