Des Moines Police having a normal one
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
That’s not how days work.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me