my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)