[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
LOL
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
That 👊
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast