This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
New Tinder profile.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.